i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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