you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
