dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
