Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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