His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
