the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
