Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
