Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
