Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
PANTIES FOUND
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