I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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