the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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