Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
