WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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