Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
my poor anus
I got inside last night via doggy door
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
