Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
