Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
