I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
