weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
