We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
