Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
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Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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