Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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