Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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