my mouth tastes like poor choices
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
