As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
