So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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