Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
