I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
