just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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