i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
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wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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