Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
