i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
