Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
