maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
