I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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