This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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