I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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