Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
