woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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