Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
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I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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