i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize