my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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