you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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