Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
