take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
