So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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