im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
