My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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