There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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