I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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