Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
