Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
