sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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