whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
