im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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