I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just found puke in my bra..
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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