so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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