My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
