fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
