hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
