I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
