I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
