Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
