So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
