i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
