The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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